I hate people who think they are funny

[sparkindarkness]

Because they NEVER, EVER are.


I did not kill this client, H.



I think I need a small award for this. Nothing major, just a little plaque saying “it is hereby noted that Sparky did not resort to psychotic violence even though he would be more than justified doing so.” I think we need a full range of awards to recognise those who had every right to go on a mad killing spree but refrained from doing so.

I probably would have killed H if he weren’t a long term client who is generally only mildly irritating and only needed the occasional application of a ballistic haddock rather than unreasonably infuriating and deserving of death by Hounds.

I think the problem stems from the fact that H thinks he’s funny. Yes, I think you all know what that means. Very few people who think they’re funny actually are even remotely amusing. Most of the time when you come across someone who thinks they’re funny you need to kill them for the good of humanity. His family would probably thank you. Anyway, he thinks he’s funny, so his irritation comes from a constant string of poor jokes, quips and rather slow wit that I am obliged to smile politely at and use every subtle tool in my arsenal (including deep sea fish) to try and convince him to stop.

Of course, people who think they are funny are immune to hints. Even hints with fins.

Unfortunately, H has learned (courtesy of a big mouthed Guardian yelling to me that my boyfriend was here with my ride – see, nothing good comes of lending people your car!) that I am gay.

We can see where his sense of humour is going with this one, can’t we? Yes, a whole font of annoyingness is now spewing forth. I’m going to have to upgrade the haddock. But most annoying of all is that he has now developed the extremely annoying habit of referring to me as Ms. Darkness rather than Mr. Darkness. He has been a client for some time, he knows I am a man and we’re actually on first name terms (most clients are). He is doing it to be amusing. He has also used the feminine form of my first name, even if he did do it sparingly.

I am not amused. The Hounds wish it to be known that they are not amused either.

His one saving grace is I seriously believes that he genuinely thinks he is being funny and doesn’t realise that he is being insulting. I don’t think he is a bigot so much as he is very very insensitive. So he is spared from death. The Hounds will only take a leg. Then again, he didn’t stop when I dropped several severe hints and gave him a lawyerly death glare.
…
..
.
Ok, 2 legs.

And an arm.

Comments

[ephemera.livejournal.com]

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr *subsonic growling*

[elrohana.livejournal.com]

Just take his bollocks and forget the rest. That should get the message across

[rampagingturtle.livejournal.com]

It's very simple: If someone has severe sensitivity issues you can only communicate successfully with him or her by providing additional stimulus. I'm really not sure a haddock is going to do the job. If it's frozen, maybe. I'd still keep the hounds close though.

[meridae.livejournal.com]

There is only one solution, but I'm not sure you're prepared to compromise everything you hold dear to go through with it. You see, the only way to fight unfunny humour, is with more unfunny humour - next time he refers to you as Ms. Sparky or other feminine forms of address, you just need to point out that *you* are the man in your relationship, and your 'missus' will be pissed with him . . or something (I'm not very funny either, but you get the drift).

And you can at least take comfort in the fact that he hasn't yet called you Mrs. Sparky.

[ladyhelen.livejournal.com]

I did not kill this client

Bravo - I think I would have!

[oxfordgirl.livejournal.com]

...would you like me to come break his knees?

I can come break his knees.

It'd be fun!

[being-here.livejournal.com]

And one eye.

I'll get you some sort of award for not killing him. You are a better person than I am.

[tibialmusician.livejournal.com]

ohh! May I help? Please?

[kitsuken.livejournal.com]

I'm surprised the glare didn't work. Did you include the awkwardly long silence before a short, one word reply as well? Most people notice that and at least feel uncomfortable about what they said after that, even if what they said *wasn't* offensive. Still, maybe you're right and he is immune. Here's hoping he catches the hint soon though, before a sharpend frozen haddock makes it's way through his car windscreen

[ladydyani.livejournal.com]

Graphic violence! Yay!

[ladydyani.livejournal.com]

The plaque should be made out of chocolate.

Has anyone ever told this guy that he's not funny? Or do most people give a weak laugh to acknowledge the joke?

Stupid people piss me off.

[only-playing.livejournal.com]

Bluntness, in addition to the haddock, could be used as well. Merely tell him that your sexual orientation is none of his business and as such, he can refrain from commenting on it. If that does not work, make sure that you give the Hounds some sort of antacids before you sick them on him, for he will prolly give them an upset stomach.

[brownkitty.livejournal.com]

::wonders if a smelt-fed automatic weapon is feasible::

I think that award should include a fantastic dinner for you and your beloved, footrubs at least up to full massage, and a severe intestinal flu for the annoying client.

How does H (short for Houndbait?) respond if you reply to him as he acts toward you? Ask if his wife or his parents approve of his actions and grant permission for them, that sort of thing?

[thisdaydreamer.livejournal.com]

I think the toughest part of customer service is pretending that unfunny people are not extremely painful to be around. It is really hard to even smile the 8000th time you hear a customer say "must be free then." And that isn't even insulting.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Knee breaking is alwayts fun. I'll get the hammer

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

yay, let's have a knee breaking party, gather all in!

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

bring your own hammer!

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

My reaction as well. I was very much not amsued.,

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

and give the world a new soprano

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

I am now putting the haddock in the freezer.

We're doing him a favour really

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Lol, that could work but he may think I'm encouraging him...


Mrs? *shudder* that would be bad

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

I think I SHOULD have

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

How abotu we just let the Hounds go mad and see what bits they bring back?

We could open a boook on it - 10:1 a leg, 13:1 an arm, 50:1 an eye...

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

I had silences, glares and completely ignoring and refusing to respond. You know what humourless people are like, he's so SURE he's funny that my irritation just bounces off

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

A chocolate plaque? Oh yes.

I have't yet but I think I will, client or not. It's just not excusable for anyone in the 21st century to be that insensitive, and if they are they need to learn not to be as soon as possible for their own good

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Yes, I'm going to have to slap him down./ He has no excuse for being that oblivious.

Slap him down with deep sea fish, of course

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Only if it fires sardines. I need to keep to a fish based arsenal.

I will inform beloved of this and he had better agree.

Hmmm, I might try throwing ti bacdk in his face, maybe it'll get through his skull then (lots of holes in the face you see)

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

*groan* oh yes. The worsdt thing is yoiu CAN'T stab them because on their own it's not that annoying and you would be overreacting.

But the 999th time you heard it? Someone should be stabbed

[being-here.livejournal.com]

Sounds good to me.

I mentioned this to my bloke and he said he always refused to let clients call him by his first name because otherwise they started feeling like they were his equals. So, thank you for this disturbing glance into the psyche of the man I married ;-)

[ladydyani.livejournal.com]

Honestly, it's for his own protection. If he spouts off like that to the wrong person, he could end up repenting in the hospital. Or even one of your LJ fans might hunt him down. (It's too far for me to travel just to hurt someone, so someone else will have to take care of it.)

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

hee, you don';t want to upset me. For if you upset me I have devoted followers who will rip the very soul from your body MUAHAHAHA!

Hmm, perhaps a tad overdramatic, But I can work on it

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

I generally weigh up how the client feelsw but usually I put it on a first name basis unless I want to encourage them to feel uncomfortable and distant (people are nervous enough without extra formality).

Besides, i've always felt kinda weird with people calling me Mr. Darkness. Maybe it's because I'm only 24 - Mr. darkness is my dad, it sounds weird when applied to me

[ladyhelen.livejournal.com]

No court would convict!

[chris-baby.livejournal.com]

What Sparky should have done is lick his upper lip sensually, wink and say: "No need to be jealous, sir. There's enough of me to go around".

That would have shut him up. Probably.
Otherwise, you'd have... a situation. :P

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

Yessss the chance of a 'situation' may be slim but so dire that the idea terrifies to the core

[klgaffney.livejournal.com]

............

just. gimme TWO MINUTES with him. TWO MINUTES, a tarp, and my bat. it'll be FINE.

how do you feel about gallagher-type humour?
i can at least guarentee you some amusement on that level.

[sparkindarkness.livejournal.com]

If Made Secretary will guard the door I'll give you 10 :)

Normally not amused, but in this case I'm willing to make an exception

[allthepettylies.livejournal.com]

You know I'm visiting the UK in August...

[allthepettylies.livejournal.com]

OMG yes.