sparkindarkness (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
sparkindarkness) wrote2009-03-31 02:28 am
sparkindarkness) wrote2009-03-31 02:28 am
Entry tags:
Adracanta - Introduction: Creation Myth - rewrite
Still working on this. It's hard to get a balance between not being too repetitve but still preserving the sense of it being an ancient myth - a fireside tale for an elder to repeat. It needs to have the repetitive cadence and sense of oral tradition rather than a formal story and even a sense that it might be allegorical rather than literal. It needs to have an "in the beginning" feel and part of that, I think, is a sense of a repetitive theme - especially when you're talking about a recurring action - like the creation of each dragon line
But at the same time I don't want the reader to feel they can skip vast portions of it and not miss anything, which, before you could. So here's the next draft that I will poke later
The Birth of the Dragon Lines
The Earthmother and Skyfather looked upon the world they had created and were contented by its wonder, for truly they had created perfection.
But they feared, for they saw that their perfect world was held in delicate balance and even that other hands other than their own had gone into its creation.
They came together to create a ruler and guardian for their world. They created a creature of Sky and Land that it could reach every corner of the world. It was a creature of pride and beauty and Majesty to lead and be honoured by the people of the world. It was a creature of claws and fangs, mighty strength and tough hide that it could vanquish the world’s enemies. It was a creature of huge size and awesome brilliance that all eyes would turn to it and recognise its glory. It was the first Dragon, his scales gleaming gold in the Noonday Sun. From his Father he was gifted with true spirit that he would know and command all that lived on the earth. From his Mother he was gifted with the powers of Light that he would shine with the glory of kingship.
The Golden Dragon descended to earth and was charged to rule with wisdom and courage - judging fairly, guiding wisely, protecting fiercely, nurturing lovingly and punishing firmly. The Earthmother and Skyfather looked down and were pleased, their creation had a ruler to lead it.
Time passed and the Earthmother and Skyfather were disturbed by the sound of weeping. They looked down upon the world and saw the First Dragon weeping piteously.
“Greatest of our Children, why do you cry?” cried the Earthmother
“I weep for I have failed you, Mother,” said the Dragon, cowering in shame. “I try to lead with wisdom, but the world is too big and I do not have the time to learn all its secrets. I am too ignorant to rule. I have failed.”
The Skyfather and Earthmother looked upon the world and saw that the First Dragon was correct. The lands suffered from ignorance and poor decisions. The people knew nothing of their world and treated it poorly. Knowledge and skills were lost because none knew their worth and none respected their value. The First Dragon could not learn and rule at the same time, and without learning he could not rule wisely.
“Greatest of our Children, you have not failed us.” Said the Skyfather. “It is us who did not give you the aid you needed.”
And so the Earthmother and the Skyfather came together to create the Second Dragon. Her scales shone silver under the Full Moon’s light. From her Father she gained the gift of true sight, that nothing could hide from her. From her Mother she was gifted with the powers of Earth, so her knowledge could be recorded on the very bones of the mountains.
They spoke to the new dragon, forged in her brother‘s image. “Our daughter, you have a duty to study and learn all the knowledge of this land, to preserve it and teach it that none may be ignorant. Above all you must advise your brother, that he may rule with wisdom and learning.”
The Silver Dragon descended to earth to stand by her brother’s side. The Earthmother and Skyfather looked down and were pleased, their creation would be guided knowledgably.
Time passed and the Earthmother and Skyfather were disturbed by a gusting sigh. They looked down and saw the First Dragon laying weary and forlorn.
“Greatest of our Children, why does your heart sink?” asked the Skyfather.
“My heart sinks for I have failed you, Father,” said the Dragon, hiding in shame. “Great injustices rock the land and I do not have the time to judge them all fairly and to rule as well. My sister has great knowledge, but applying her wisdom to the troubles and disputes of the people is the work of years. We cannot judge together. My rule is unjust. I have failed.”
The Skyfather and the Earthmother looked upon the world and saw that the First Dragon was correct. Injustice and unfairness ruled across the land. Hatred festered in the face of slights and wrongs, criminals walked unpunished, wrongs dragged down the righteous and the selfish, the cruel and the evil prospered. The First Dragon could not be judge and ruler at the same time.
“Greatest of our Children, you have not failed us,” said the Earthmother. “It is us who did not give you the aid you needed.”
And so the Earthmother and the Skyfather came together to create the Third Dragon. His scales gleamed Bronze in the Morning Light. From his Father he gained the gift of true hearing, that none could lie to him or hide their intent. From his Mother he gained the gift of the Winds that he could travel wherever injustice lurked.
They spoke to the new dragon, forged in his brother’s image. “Our son, you have a duty to hunt out wrongdoing and judge it fairly. Seek the truth, punish the guilty, right the wrongs - bring fairness and righteousness to the land. Above all you must advise your brother, that he may rule fairly and justly.”
The Bronze Dragon descended to earth to stand alongside his sister at his brother’s side. The Earthmother and Skyfather looked down and were pleased, their creation would be judged fairly.
Time passed and the Earthmother and Skyfather were disturbed by a challenging roar. They looked down and saw the First Dragon bellowing in fury.
“Greatest of our Children, why do you rage?” asked the Earthmother.
“I rage because I have failed you, Mother,” said the Dragon, lowering his head in shame. “Creatures of evil and corruption stalk the land in great number. I hunt them and fight them with my Sister and my Brother, but I have no time to wage war and rule as well and I pull them from their true duties. My sister knows of evil but not how to fight it. My brother can judge the enemy, but not defeat it. The earth is not protected. I have failed.”
The Skyfather and the Earthmother looked upon the world and saw that the First Dragon was correct. Legions of monsters stalked the land. Demons and creatures of beyond mustered in large forces, threats built in numbers and size that threatened to tumble all the world into chaos. Yet when the First Dragon and his siblings fought them the land fell to neglect as bereft and lost as if the Dragons had never been. The First Dragon could not fight and rule at the same time.
“Greatest of our Children, you have not failed us,” said the Skyfather. “It is us who did not give you the aid you needed.”
And so the Earthmother and the Skyfather came together to create the Fourth Dragon. Her scales blazed Red under the Setting Son. From her Father she gained the gift of true scent, that she could smell evil however it hid. From her Mother she gained the gift of Fire that she could rain flames upon the world’s enemies.
The Red Dragon descended to earth to stand with her siblings at her brother’s side. The Earthmother and Skyfather looked down and were pleased, their creation would be protected fiercely
They spoke to the new dragon, forged in her brother’s image. “Our daughter, you have a duty to find evil wherever it dwells and destroy it wherever it is found. You have a duty to bring destruction to the world’s enemies and lead the world’s warriors to war. Above all you must advise your brother of any threat and of the ways of combat, that he may protect the lands he rules”
The Red Dragon descended to earth to stand alongside his siblings at his brother’s side. The Earthmother and Skyfather looked down and were pleased, their creation would be protected fiercely.
Time passed and the Earthmother and Skyfather were disturbed the wail of grief. They looked down and saw the First Dragon grieving tragically.
“Greatest of our Children, why do you grieve?” asked the Skyfather.
“I grieve because I have failed you, Father,” said the Dragon, turning his face in shame. “The holy places lie neglected and despoiled. My first sister knows them but has not the skill to honour and replenish them. My second sister’s wars damage them greatly. My brother can punish those who harm them but cannot restore them. Every year we lose more of these precious places. The earth is not nurtured. I have failed”
The Skyfather and the Earthmother looked upon the world and saw that the First Dragon was correct. The land was scarred from past battles and marred by the forces of evil. Holy glens and sacred glades were despoiled. The First Dragon could not succour the land and rule at the same time.
“Greatest of our Children, you have not failed us,” said the Earthmother. “It is us who did not give you the aid you needed.”
And so the Earthmother and the Skyfather came together to create the Fifth Dragon. His scales shimmered Green under the Clouded Sun shrouded by rich green growth. From his Father he gained the gift of true taste, that he could sense impurity and rot. From his Mother he gained the gift of Water that he could wash away corruption and Blight.
They spoke to the new dragon, forged in his brother’s image. “Our son, you have a duty to honour and preserve the pure and holy places of this world that they may grown and thrive. You have a duty to protect the wilds and ensure the land is free from corruption and taint. You have a duty to purify, cleanse and revive the land that it must always thrive. Above all you must advise your brother that he and your siblings do not damage the land and that his rule honours it appropriately”
The Green Dragon descended to earth to stand with his siblings at his brother’s side. The Earthmother and Skyfather looked down and were pleased, their creation would be nurtured lovingly.
Time passed and the Earthmother and Skyfather were disturbed the growl of frustration. They looked down and saw the First Dragon hissing angrily.
“Greatest of our Children, what angers you so?” asked the Earthmother
“I am angry because I have failed you, Mother,” said the Dragon, lowering his eyes in shame. “The forces of evil plot craftily in the shadows. They do no obvious wrong for my first Brother to judge and their secrets are too strange for my first Sister to know. Their plans are long and complicated and hard for my second Sister to hunt and destroy and my second Brother can only repair the damage they do, not prevent them causing harm. I cannot match their cunning or their intrigue and rule. I have failed you.”
The Skyfather and the Earthmother looked upon the world and saw that the First Dragon was correct. Forces of evil forged plots that took decades to come to fruition, each layers in lies and deceit and all in tangled, convoluted webs that were impossible to follow but lead to deadly results. Insidious evil dwelled hidden in corrupted hearts and fel deeds lay cloaked in a mire of good intentions and pretty words. Great powers moved and flourished in the shadows beneath the noses of those who would oppoe them. The First Dragon could not match such cunning and rule at the same time.
“Greatest of our Children, you have not failed us,” said the Skyfather. “It is us who did not give you the aid you needed.”
And so the Earthmother and the Skyfather came together to create the Sixth Dragon. Her scales glistened Black under the Moonless Sky. From her Father she gained the gift of true kenning, that she could follow the convoluted plots of evil in the realms of spirit and the future. From her Mother she gained the gift of Darkness that her enemies had nowhere to hide from her wrath.
They spoke to the new dragon, forged in her brother’s image. “Our daughter, you have a duty to follow the plots that twist through the world, to find the hidden paths of power and influence. You must pull back the lies and the illusions to reveal the rot that hides deep within. You must match cunning with cunning and close these convoluted paths before they can grow. Above all you must advise your brother that he and your siblings know what snares and plots grow insidiously around them that he may rule without interference.”
The Black Dragon descended to earth to stand with her siblings at her brother’s side. The Earthmother and Skyfather looked down and were pleased, for evil would never flourish and grow on their land.
The Earth Mother and Skyfather travelled the world and saw that it was good. Their children were guardians and leaders of the world and the first and greatest of their children ruled - guiding, protecting, teaching and judging his people while nurturing and safeguarding the land and it’s knowledge. Pleased, the Skyfather and Earthmother retired to rest sure that all their children and their world would prosper, grown and thrive.
But at the same time I don't want the reader to feel they can skip vast portions of it and not miss anything, which, before you could. So here's the next draft that I will poke later
The Birth of the Dragon Lines
The Earthmother and Skyfather looked upon the world they had created and were contented by its wonder, for truly they had created perfection.
But they feared, for they saw that their perfect world was held in delicate balance and even that other hands other than their own had gone into its creation.
They came together to create a ruler and guardian for their world. They created a creature of Sky and Land that it could reach every corner of the world. It was a creature of pride and beauty and Majesty to lead and be honoured by the people of the world. It was a creature of claws and fangs, mighty strength and tough hide that it could vanquish the world’s enemies. It was a creature of huge size and awesome brilliance that all eyes would turn to it and recognise its glory. It was the first Dragon, his scales gleaming gold in the Noonday Sun. From his Father he was gifted with true spirit that he would know and command all that lived on the earth. From his Mother he was gifted with the powers of Light that he would shine with the glory of kingship.
The Golden Dragon descended to earth and was charged to rule with wisdom and courage - judging fairly, guiding wisely, protecting fiercely, nurturing lovingly and punishing firmly. The Earthmother and Skyfather looked down and were pleased, their creation had a ruler to lead it.
Time passed and the Earthmother and Skyfather were disturbed by the sound of weeping. They looked down upon the world and saw the First Dragon weeping piteously.
“Greatest of our Children, why do you cry?” cried the Earthmother
“I weep for I have failed you, Mother,” said the Dragon, cowering in shame. “I try to lead with wisdom, but the world is too big and I do not have the time to learn all its secrets. I am too ignorant to rule. I have failed.”
The Skyfather and Earthmother looked upon the world and saw that the First Dragon was correct. The lands suffered from ignorance and poor decisions. The people knew nothing of their world and treated it poorly. Knowledge and skills were lost because none knew their worth and none respected their value. The First Dragon could not learn and rule at the same time, and without learning he could not rule wisely.
“Greatest of our Children, you have not failed us.” Said the Skyfather. “It is us who did not give you the aid you needed.”
And so the Earthmother and the Skyfather came together to create the Second Dragon. Her scales shone silver under the Full Moon’s light. From her Father she gained the gift of true sight, that nothing could hide from her. From her Mother she was gifted with the powers of Earth, so her knowledge could be recorded on the very bones of the mountains.
They spoke to the new dragon, forged in her brother‘s image. “Our daughter, you have a duty to study and learn all the knowledge of this land, to preserve it and teach it that none may be ignorant. Above all you must advise your brother, that he may rule with wisdom and learning.”
The Silver Dragon descended to earth to stand by her brother’s side. The Earthmother and Skyfather looked down and were pleased, their creation would be guided knowledgably.
Time passed and the Earthmother and Skyfather were disturbed by a gusting sigh. They looked down and saw the First Dragon laying weary and forlorn.
“Greatest of our Children, why does your heart sink?” asked the Skyfather.
“My heart sinks for I have failed you, Father,” said the Dragon, hiding in shame. “Great injustices rock the land and I do not have the time to judge them all fairly and to rule as well. My sister has great knowledge, but applying her wisdom to the troubles and disputes of the people is the work of years. We cannot judge together. My rule is unjust. I have failed.”
The Skyfather and the Earthmother looked upon the world and saw that the First Dragon was correct. Injustice and unfairness ruled across the land. Hatred festered in the face of slights and wrongs, criminals walked unpunished, wrongs dragged down the righteous and the selfish, the cruel and the evil prospered. The First Dragon could not be judge and ruler at the same time.
“Greatest of our Children, you have not failed us,” said the Earthmother. “It is us who did not give you the aid you needed.”
And so the Earthmother and the Skyfather came together to create the Third Dragon. His scales gleamed Bronze in the Morning Light. From his Father he gained the gift of true hearing, that none could lie to him or hide their intent. From his Mother he gained the gift of the Winds that he could travel wherever injustice lurked.
They spoke to the new dragon, forged in his brother’s image. “Our son, you have a duty to hunt out wrongdoing and judge it fairly. Seek the truth, punish the guilty, right the wrongs - bring fairness and righteousness to the land. Above all you must advise your brother, that he may rule fairly and justly.”
The Bronze Dragon descended to earth to stand alongside his sister at his brother’s side. The Earthmother and Skyfather looked down and were pleased, their creation would be judged fairly.
Time passed and the Earthmother and Skyfather were disturbed by a challenging roar. They looked down and saw the First Dragon bellowing in fury.
“Greatest of our Children, why do you rage?” asked the Earthmother.
“I rage because I have failed you, Mother,” said the Dragon, lowering his head in shame. “Creatures of evil and corruption stalk the land in great number. I hunt them and fight them with my Sister and my Brother, but I have no time to wage war and rule as well and I pull them from their true duties. My sister knows of evil but not how to fight it. My brother can judge the enemy, but not defeat it. The earth is not protected. I have failed.”
The Skyfather and the Earthmother looked upon the world and saw that the First Dragon was correct. Legions of monsters stalked the land. Demons and creatures of beyond mustered in large forces, threats built in numbers and size that threatened to tumble all the world into chaos. Yet when the First Dragon and his siblings fought them the land fell to neglect as bereft and lost as if the Dragons had never been. The First Dragon could not fight and rule at the same time.
“Greatest of our Children, you have not failed us,” said the Skyfather. “It is us who did not give you the aid you needed.”
And so the Earthmother and the Skyfather came together to create the Fourth Dragon. Her scales blazed Red under the Setting Son. From her Father she gained the gift of true scent, that she could smell evil however it hid. From her Mother she gained the gift of Fire that she could rain flames upon the world’s enemies.
The Red Dragon descended to earth to stand with her siblings at her brother’s side. The Earthmother and Skyfather looked down and were pleased, their creation would be protected fiercely
They spoke to the new dragon, forged in her brother’s image. “Our daughter, you have a duty to find evil wherever it dwells and destroy it wherever it is found. You have a duty to bring destruction to the world’s enemies and lead the world’s warriors to war. Above all you must advise your brother of any threat and of the ways of combat, that he may protect the lands he rules”
The Red Dragon descended to earth to stand alongside his siblings at his brother’s side. The Earthmother and Skyfather looked down and were pleased, their creation would be protected fiercely.
Time passed and the Earthmother and Skyfather were disturbed the wail of grief. They looked down and saw the First Dragon grieving tragically.
“Greatest of our Children, why do you grieve?” asked the Skyfather.
“I grieve because I have failed you, Father,” said the Dragon, turning his face in shame. “The holy places lie neglected and despoiled. My first sister knows them but has not the skill to honour and replenish them. My second sister’s wars damage them greatly. My brother can punish those who harm them but cannot restore them. Every year we lose more of these precious places. The earth is not nurtured. I have failed”
The Skyfather and the Earthmother looked upon the world and saw that the First Dragon was correct. The land was scarred from past battles and marred by the forces of evil. Holy glens and sacred glades were despoiled. The First Dragon could not succour the land and rule at the same time.
“Greatest of our Children, you have not failed us,” said the Earthmother. “It is us who did not give you the aid you needed.”
And so the Earthmother and the Skyfather came together to create the Fifth Dragon. His scales shimmered Green under the Clouded Sun shrouded by rich green growth. From his Father he gained the gift of true taste, that he could sense impurity and rot. From his Mother he gained the gift of Water that he could wash away corruption and Blight.
They spoke to the new dragon, forged in his brother’s image. “Our son, you have a duty to honour and preserve the pure and holy places of this world that they may grown and thrive. You have a duty to protect the wilds and ensure the land is free from corruption and taint. You have a duty to purify, cleanse and revive the land that it must always thrive. Above all you must advise your brother that he and your siblings do not damage the land and that his rule honours it appropriately”
The Green Dragon descended to earth to stand with his siblings at his brother’s side. The Earthmother and Skyfather looked down and were pleased, their creation would be nurtured lovingly.
Time passed and the Earthmother and Skyfather were disturbed the growl of frustration. They looked down and saw the First Dragon hissing angrily.
“Greatest of our Children, what angers you so?” asked the Earthmother
“I am angry because I have failed you, Mother,” said the Dragon, lowering his eyes in shame. “The forces of evil plot craftily in the shadows. They do no obvious wrong for my first Brother to judge and their secrets are too strange for my first Sister to know. Their plans are long and complicated and hard for my second Sister to hunt and destroy and my second Brother can only repair the damage they do, not prevent them causing harm. I cannot match their cunning or their intrigue and rule. I have failed you.”
The Skyfather and the Earthmother looked upon the world and saw that the First Dragon was correct. Forces of evil forged plots that took decades to come to fruition, each layers in lies and deceit and all in tangled, convoluted webs that were impossible to follow but lead to deadly results. Insidious evil dwelled hidden in corrupted hearts and fel deeds lay cloaked in a mire of good intentions and pretty words. Great powers moved and flourished in the shadows beneath the noses of those who would oppoe them. The First Dragon could not match such cunning and rule at the same time.
“Greatest of our Children, you have not failed us,” said the Skyfather. “It is us who did not give you the aid you needed.”
And so the Earthmother and the Skyfather came together to create the Sixth Dragon. Her scales glistened Black under the Moonless Sky. From her Father she gained the gift of true kenning, that she could follow the convoluted plots of evil in the realms of spirit and the future. From her Mother she gained the gift of Darkness that her enemies had nowhere to hide from her wrath.
They spoke to the new dragon, forged in her brother’s image. “Our daughter, you have a duty to follow the plots that twist through the world, to find the hidden paths of power and influence. You must pull back the lies and the illusions to reveal the rot that hides deep within. You must match cunning with cunning and close these convoluted paths before they can grow. Above all you must advise your brother that he and your siblings know what snares and plots grow insidiously around them that he may rule without interference.”
The Black Dragon descended to earth to stand with her siblings at her brother’s side. The Earthmother and Skyfather looked down and were pleased, for evil would never flourish and grow on their land.
The Earth Mother and Skyfather travelled the world and saw that it was good. Their children were guardians and leaders of the world and the first and greatest of their children ruled - guiding, protecting, teaching and judging his people while nurturing and safeguarding the land and it’s knowledge. Pleased, the Skyfather and Earthmother retired to rest sure that all their children and their world would prosper, grown and thrive.
no subject
One small thing I noticed. This line: The Earthmother and Skyfather looked down and were pleased, their creation would be judged fairly. repeats twice for both the Bronze and the Red dragon. It's just a matter of changing the word Judged, so other than that, I think it's great.
If I had a little help in storyboarding and coloring, I bet I could make this into a small comic. ;P
no subject
Grrness, this is what comes of writing several places at once
I have No idea what Storyboarding means... isn't that lots of little cells?
no subject