This is not all good

[sparkindarkness]

Recently I’ve been seeing this video being passed around various parts of the gay blogosphere and it makes me highly uncomfortable. (And that’s beyond the fact that every legal bone in my body screams in outraged embarrassment watching these farcical parodies of a court room and the clownish ‘judges’ that seem determined to destroy any respect due to the law.

See, many people have been praising this. And I can see some many big reasons for praise. It is wonderful to see someone speaking out clearly and passionately in favour of gay people – it is wonderful to see a (presumably) straight man talk about how being gay is ok, that we have every right to be happy with who we are. I loved him countering the religious hate we see so often and it heartened me to hear such words of support and acceptance. It is wonderful to see someone try to be an ally and speak  in genuine kindness about gay people.

But there is some severe privilege fail in this video. And clinging to the good he’s said and completely ignoring that very questionable privilege fail is not helpful. We are past the point of handing over-the-top cookies of happiness to everyone who can mouth vague platitudes about us – or we should be. I sometimes feel that there is a habit in the GBLT community to be ridiculously grateful for even the slightest gesture of kindness towards us. I know the reason for it, I have the same instinct myself. Sometimes the feeling of “oh my gods, they don’t hate us!” surges strong that we’re willing to overlook some pretty nasty crap.

It’s why grossly stereotyped portrayals in TV or in books are not greeted with derision and rage – and criticism is often rather delicate and careful. It’s why clueless privilege is often given a free pass, even when someone has said something ignorant or painful. It’s why even passionate gay allies can often say things that make me cringe. Because so few of us will criticise anyone or anything that attempts to be even half-way positive no matter how harmful or painful or insulting or offensive that we are giving an ok to this behaviour.

No that doesn’t mean we need to leap onto an ally and beat them with great big sticks (unless they like that ), but ANY ally will occasionally make mistakes – because that’s what having privilege MEANS. http://sparkindarkness.livejournal.com/306490.html And any ally should be able to take and learn from reasoned and careful criticism – and if they CAN’T then I question whether they’re an ally or just looking for patented ally cookies for being so nice to the gays. Moreover we OWE it to we allies to criticise them when they make mistakes – sure we don’t have a duty to teach – but how will our allies learn to be allies and support us if we won’t even criticise?

It can be awkward, certainly. It’s awkward when a great friend who once punched out a homophobe for you keeps repeatedly making “it’s such a shame/waste you’re gay” comments. It’s not easy criticising a passionate friend and ally because he keeps criticising you for being closeted at the Westboro Baptist Church Guns & Flamethrowers exhibition. It’s not easy to criticise the vehement activist and ally who can’t seem to write a story about a gay man who isn’t a fashion designer, hair dresser, florist or interior decorator (and you know skater is going to maker that list in the next few months, don’t you?)

But, if we can’t manage this, then we’re setting ourselves up for a fall. We’re setting ourselves up to be easily bought and easily placated – already the Tory Party is trying to win us over with pretty rhetoric and token gestures and they’re hardly the only ones. We also give support and credence to damaging behaviour, harmful stereotypes and destructive labels – because we’re too unwilling to call out wannabe-allies when they perpetuate them.

This video has some severe privilege in it. Even aside from the “Miss Thang” comment, we have here a (presumably) straight man trying to force a possible gay man out of the closet and CRITICISING him and an actual gay man for not coming out sooner. He calls being outed a “favour” AND he casually dismisses the pain and damage caused by family and friends rejecting a newly out GBLT person.

That is privilege – severe, ignorant privilege. And by ignoring it we are giving it a pass – we are saying that such a casual, dismissive attitude towards the pain of the closet and the dangers of coming out is acceptable – even laudable. It isn’t. It could, very literally, be a case of life and death

I love that he said such supportive things. I love that he accepts gay people as gay people. I love that he respects gay people as gay people and he rejects homophobia. But it is possible to love that and at the same time say that he has made some mistakes there