sparkindarkness | Amusing Homophobes.

Amusing Homophobes.

Homophobia is something which, for obvious reasons, tends to reduce me to incoherent axe murdering rage in record time. I have no time for it and certainly no inclination to pander to it, it’s stereotypes or anything else – I’m really zero tolerant about it. This is something most people around me know and ~~tread warily around as if there were a stalking tiger about to eat them~~ respect.

But there are 2 homophobes I have to deal with on a semi-regular basis who manage not to annoy me because they’re so damn funny.

See, they both suffer from the same type of homophobia – desperate fear that the gays are going to wrestle them to the floor and make them have teh hot sweaty many-sex!

They always stay at arms length from me (and they’re REALLY obvious about it). It’s not disgust, (which would piss me off on whole new levels of pissed offness) it’s fear. It’s like they’re really afraid that if I can touch them I will molest them. But the funniest thing is the way they won’t turn their back on me. Seriously, they will not let me stand behind them. It’s a severe case of “there’s a gay man behind me – he can see my backside! ARGH THE HORROR!” You see, the mere sight of their trouser clad buttocks will apparently cause me to ram them up against a wall and have my wicked way with them. Yes, yes it will. (Oh, and both of them are a lot bigger than me, so if I did randomly decide to scream “rawr! BUTTSECKS!” and leap on them, they’d be quite capable of peeling me off and slamming me against every flat surface. Unlesws I have teh evil gay superpowers).

One of them is kind of cute (nothing special though – but he does obsess more about grooming and clothes even than I do – which may be why he freaks - he's on the defensive because many people assume he is gay) but the other guy is my cousin’s husband – he’s 25 years my senior, several stone over weight, balding, unshaven, poorly dressed and generally icky. What kind of vanity do you have to have that you can look like that and still assume you are the tastiest treat on the menu to all homosexuals?

I suppose I should be offended, but it’s just so funny that I can freak these guys out so badly simply by being there. Truly all must fear the mighty power of teh gayness.

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I know plenty of straight women who have the same reaction to lesbians and bisexual women. And have had friends in the past who have admitted being bi-curious (though with no experience), and have then assumed someone in our circle who was actively Bi (but in a happily monogamous relationship at the time!) would be automatically interested in sleeping with them. Hrumph. Arrogance, pure and simple. The same blind arrogance that makes very fat girls wear crop tops and hipsters, and really ugly blokes make a beeline for the most attractive girl in any given room.

Your cousin's husband may be under the misapprehension that the same testosterone that's making his hair fall out will simply prove too intoxicating for you and you will feel an overwhelming urge to become one with the source of those male hormones. You see, it's not you. He's just that damn good.

teh hot sweaty many-sex!
Perhaps you meant man-sex? I guess many-sex does seem a bit more foreboding.

On topic though, I really don't understand people like that. Where do they get this amazing level of ego? They generally don't think all people of their opposite gender want to jump their bones, so why would they assume people of the same gender do?

teh evil gay superpowers could be fun, but I'm sure you could find better things to do with them ....

Do you ever wonder if this is simply a case of "Methinks the gentleman protests too much?" and they're secretly hoping you *will* jump them? All the while arrogantly assuming you'd actually *want* to!

I think that's one of the things that confuses me most about gay-straight assumptions - people assume things like monogamy is impossible for a gay man or woman. But yet it's totally possible (maybe) for a straight man or woman, and we're talking about different orientations here, not different species! Anyway, I know what I want to say, I just can't say it tonight cos my brain is on holiday.

I will, however, say that if there is to be teh hot sweaty many-sex in your office corridor, then I want a ticket to watch. Tehehehe.

Heeee. People like that are amusingly stupid. Do you ever get the temptation to try and "flirt" with one of them?

Da's a financial advisor, they get these visits where they do little roleplay scenarios with the inspector pretending to be a customer, so they can see they're doing it right.

And one scenario thing had the guy being one half of a gay couple. Ok, thinks da; he's done this before, so he makes sure to ask the appropriate questions (cause there are apparently a few financial things that work a bit differently)... And afterwards, the inspector guy tells him that most people he's done this one with have been Seriously Freaked Out, even though they knew perfectly well that it was only pretend...

Stupid people. <is proud of her da for having a Brain*>

*except when in that particular stroppy mood in which my brother refers to him as sergeant bellend. I have been laughing about this ever since I found out...

1) Sounds like they both have a crush on you, to be honest. And also have submissive rape fantasies (which can be pretty damn hot. *fans self*)

2) I have never, ever understood why some people are afraid of what other people do with their own genitals in a private (or even public) environment. Unless they are being actively forced to participate every time someone with a different plumbing preference masturbates, they're really being incredibly silly. It makes me want to tell them the details of my past sex life just to watch them squirm. (I look disturbingly normal. *evil snicker*)

3) I wouldn't flirt with them just to mess with them, though. They might take you up on it.

And since I'm not sure how much sense I just made, I'm going to go have breakfast.

I'd be really tempted to say something like "Dream on" instead of "Hello" for a greeting every time I see them, but I get urges like that.

Homosexuality is catching! If you get too close to a gay guy, or a gay guy touches you, you become one. I read a story about that on the internet. It must be true!

Haha! Run up to them, slap the on the shoulder and yell "TAG! You're gay!"

Then run away.

Sparky-
Not to be a flaming, bitchy queen about this, but aren't you more, um, passive these days? I seem to remember a post about how beloved was doing more of the *Pounce! Rawr! Buttsecks!* now days. In any case, I'm always amused by the "OMG! The gays'll boink any orifice!!!11Eleventy-One!" types of homophobes. Especially, if they have that type of reaction because someone is preceived of as "t3H homo," without confirmation of any sort.

Being a bisexual guy, I remember that in high school, I used to have a bad crush that was a little too obvious for this very pretty, but assmonkey of a football player, despite me being in a relationship with a girl at the time. (Although, there wasn't anything much meant by it. I just liked to look at the pretty; anyone who was a good friend knew that. In fact, my ex-girlfriend AND his girlfriend-at-the-time would join me in visually licking him up and down, from across the field, during/right after football practice. Yeah, we were a bit weird.) So, it didn't take too much for the rumor to spread through out the school that I may suck on more than jellyranchers.

Before I knew it, every football player would cease any and all activity upon my appearance, whether it be in class, at lunch or in the hallways. (Which, was kind of nice, since I'd been teased mercilessly for being a dork for four years prior to that.) And it was even more evident when we had to change after practice (I did tennis as a sport)- [The lockerroom was divided in the middle by a very tall row of lockers, while each side was divided by a much, much shorter row of lockers.] Although there's only four rows of lockers, somehow the 100 or so football players would all squeeze into whichever two rows that I wasn't using and couldn't see, leaving plenty of room for the rest of us, which was only like 65 people total, max.

Now, the hilarious part was not that they were homophobic jerks, but they were avoiding the wrong person- Later on, during college, I met and had some fun with a guy who was actually a member of the football team at the time! Not to mention that, the boy was a strict top! Heh. Silly, silly homophobes. Putting up fences to avoid the wolfs, but not realizing that the badgers are already in your chicken coop.

A good friend of mine (whom is gay, like 98% of my friends are) takes the same law classes as I. We are, of course, the only non-hetero people in the room.
Its a very intersting class.
We had new students in classes this week, as it is the first week of school (yet again, last year though. yay!) and there were two girls, and one guy.
The guy sits next to my friend, (from here on we'll call my friend D), and D, being friendly smiles and says "Well HI!"
other side of the new guy, another man in the classroom leaned over and said as loud as possible, "He's Gay you know."
then it was OMGMYBUNS. And the new guy jumped up and moved. Like D has cooties, or SARS.
So for the past few days, D has been doign everything in his power to traumatize this guy: sitting next to him, touching him randomly, flirting blatantly. Its so funny.

In another funny episode, one of the girls tried to hit on me while I was trying to show her wear the bookstore was.
I'm not sure WHAT possessed her to possibly think i was a boy, except my clothes and the way I fix my hair.
Lolz.
She still tried to get me to sleep with her. o.O

OMGTEHGAY.

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Don't you know?

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Hehehe....

stupid enter key. posting my comment too soon.