sparkindarkness (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
sparkindarkness) wrote2006-07-25 01:50 pm
sparkindarkness) wrote2006-07-25 01:50 pm
Addendum for mad road users
Since it seems my previous list missed out several major offenders and when the kill teams are unleashed we want to be sure that every last one of these are rounded up.
So drawing on the inspiration and reminders of previous comments - the updated list!
Addendum – more annoying road users who will be hunted down and shot.
Mr. W. Rabbit
He’s late! He’s late! For a very important date! No time to say goodbye, hello! He’s late, he’s late, he’s late.
The rabbit has somewhere to be. And he needs to be there 10 minutes ago. And arriving there on time is worth risking life and limb for – yours or anyone else’s. He may have a pregnant wife in the back busily dropping sprogs on the floorboards and really ruining his car’s leather upholstery. He may have a bomb in the car that will blow up if he goes less than 80mph. He may just be a prat. Whatever the reason, this guy has a neeeeed for speeeeed. Unlike Mr. Floppy who has something to prove with his flashy car or His Majesty, the King of the Road who simply thinks peons should get out of his way – this guy is concerned only with desperately shaving a few seconds off his journey time.
He will chop and change lanes to gain an extra few seconds, run through red lights, overtake on blind corners and hills, drive so close behind you that his number plate becomes indelibly printed on your rear bumper – anything, ANYTHING to gain those precious few seconds. Remember people, this man is the worst kind of sociopath – your bodily integrity, your very life is worth NOTHING if he can arrive home 0.03 seconds earlier than he normally does.
Needless to say, these people are dangerous and the wisest course of action is to let them pass and gesture obscenely at their back. The most FUN course of action is to go completely Norman on them and not let them pass until their head explodes.
Grand Prix Granny/Grandad
Is it a severe traffic jam caused by bad city planning? Is it a tailback caused by a severe car accident? Is it utter chaos wreaked by a devastating terrorist attack? No! It’s GRAND PRIX GRANNY! Supreme avatar of transport chaos.
In recent years people have recognised that just because old people are frail and decrepit there was no reason to put them inconcentration camps old folks homes to stay out of our way live out their autumn years until they dropped dead and stopped driving us insane peacefully passed away.
No, the modern elderly person can be strong and capable and independent! To this end many companies now provide wonderfully expensive inheritance-eating scooters for the little old lady who can’t run around and whack people with sticks like she used to be able to. These little buggies allow her to drive around comfortably and are meant so old ladies can still get to the shops and load up with dog food and hair nets at a nice, safe, sedate pace.
And then Grand Prix Granny gets her hands on one of these. You can see her crusading down the path through pedestrians like a Celtic chariot mowing down Roman infantry. She has no license. She has no insurance. She has no eyesight. She has dodgy hearing. She has only a vague grasp of reality and she will drive ANYWHERE. On the street, on the path, on the road, across the road. With traffic, against traffic, ACROSS traffic, through traffic lights, through pedestrian lights – the Grand Prix grandma can drive ANYWHERE. With one of these about even train drivers have to be alert lest they see a little old lady buzzing across the tracks, hair nets flying. Covered in a plastic canopy against the rain and a firm surety that even the efficient Germans couldn’t bump them off, they plough through the streets confident in their own immortality and the fact that all of society has to be nice to old people and get out of their way.
This is the Grand Prix Granny. And you will know fear when you see her on the roads.
Mr Incredible!
Clearly this man is the mild mannered secret identity of an invulnerable super hero. Nothing else could explain how he takes to the roads with such utter courage and such utter disregard for his own safety. Or he could be on crack, of course.
Mr. Floppy is reckless because he has something to prove. Mr. Rabbit because he wants to be there NOW. Wanda because she is distracted The King of the Road because you peons don’t matter. Mr. Incredible is just reckless for the sake of it. He does endlessly stupid things – not for the speed, not for any perceivable advantage – he just does them anyway. He may be drunk. He may be a stuntman in training. He may just be a monumentally bad driver. He may have just dropped his L plates and now thinks he’s pretty hot stuff and can ignore all the rules. His green cross code may have been made in Japan and be a series of badly translated haikus. Whatever the reason, this guy is a traveling menace.
He will always be in the wrong lane – roundabouts, intersections, slip roads – wrong lane every time, causing him to swerve across traffic. He never indicates. He ignores road signs and diversions and speed limits just do not exist, he gets waaaay too close to other cars and never brakes unless he slams his feet to the floor.
Natural selection dictates that these people should be rare. Unfortunately, this is clearly the exception that proves the rule.
Timmy the Troubled Teen with low Self-esteem
Despite the name, Timmies can be any age. Timmy has many things in common with Mr. Floppy in that he has something to prove. But while Mr. Floppy needs to prove his manly virility and potence to the world, Timmy merely wants everyone to look at him in a Bart Simpson kind of way. He will drive a car in a bright garish colour, quite possibly with silly add-ons like devil horns, racing stripes or spoilers so big it looks like you can land a helicopter on them. He may collect a small herd of nodding animals for his back parcel shelf or plaster so much of his car with bumper stickers that you cannot even see the colour of the car. He may have a musical horn. He may have a convertible or all the windows down and his radio playing so loudly your ear wax melts. He may drive in a reckless manner or in a way that will make his car rev noisily.
However it’s done, Timmy needs people to LOOK AT HIM!!! The problem with this is that everyone else on the road has much better things to look at than Timmy – like the grand Prix Granny who just pulled out in front of them.
So drawing on the inspiration and reminders of previous comments - the updated list!
Addendum – more annoying road users who will be hunted down and shot.
Mr. W. Rabbit
He’s late! He’s late! For a very important date! No time to say goodbye, hello! He’s late, he’s late, he’s late.
The rabbit has somewhere to be. And he needs to be there 10 minutes ago. And arriving there on time is worth risking life and limb for – yours or anyone else’s. He may have a pregnant wife in the back busily dropping sprogs on the floorboards and really ruining his car’s leather upholstery. He may have a bomb in the car that will blow up if he goes less than 80mph. He may just be a prat. Whatever the reason, this guy has a neeeeed for speeeeed. Unlike Mr. Floppy who has something to prove with his flashy car or His Majesty, the King of the Road who simply thinks peons should get out of his way – this guy is concerned only with desperately shaving a few seconds off his journey time.
He will chop and change lanes to gain an extra few seconds, run through red lights, overtake on blind corners and hills, drive so close behind you that his number plate becomes indelibly printed on your rear bumper – anything, ANYTHING to gain those precious few seconds. Remember people, this man is the worst kind of sociopath – your bodily integrity, your very life is worth NOTHING if he can arrive home 0.03 seconds earlier than he normally does.
Needless to say, these people are dangerous and the wisest course of action is to let them pass and gesture obscenely at their back. The most FUN course of action is to go completely Norman on them and not let them pass until their head explodes.
Grand Prix Granny/Grandad
Is it a severe traffic jam caused by bad city planning? Is it a tailback caused by a severe car accident? Is it utter chaos wreaked by a devastating terrorist attack? No! It’s GRAND PRIX GRANNY! Supreme avatar of transport chaos.
In recent years people have recognised that just because old people are frail and decrepit there was no reason to put them in
No, the modern elderly person can be strong and capable and independent! To this end many companies now provide wonderfully expensive inheritance-eating scooters for the little old lady who can’t run around and whack people with sticks like she used to be able to. These little buggies allow her to drive around comfortably and are meant so old ladies can still get to the shops and load up with dog food and hair nets at a nice, safe, sedate pace.
And then Grand Prix Granny gets her hands on one of these. You can see her crusading down the path through pedestrians like a Celtic chariot mowing down Roman infantry. She has no license. She has no insurance. She has no eyesight. She has dodgy hearing. She has only a vague grasp of reality and she will drive ANYWHERE. On the street, on the path, on the road, across the road. With traffic, against traffic, ACROSS traffic, through traffic lights, through pedestrian lights – the Grand Prix grandma can drive ANYWHERE. With one of these about even train drivers have to be alert lest they see a little old lady buzzing across the tracks, hair nets flying. Covered in a plastic canopy against the rain and a firm surety that even the efficient Germans couldn’t bump them off, they plough through the streets confident in their own immortality and the fact that all of society has to be nice to old people and get out of their way.
This is the Grand Prix Granny. And you will know fear when you see her on the roads.
Mr Incredible!
Clearly this man is the mild mannered secret identity of an invulnerable super hero. Nothing else could explain how he takes to the roads with such utter courage and such utter disregard for his own safety. Or he could be on crack, of course.
Mr. Floppy is reckless because he has something to prove. Mr. Rabbit because he wants to be there NOW. Wanda because she is distracted The King of the Road because you peons don’t matter. Mr. Incredible is just reckless for the sake of it. He does endlessly stupid things – not for the speed, not for any perceivable advantage – he just does them anyway. He may be drunk. He may be a stuntman in training. He may just be a monumentally bad driver. He may have just dropped his L plates and now thinks he’s pretty hot stuff and can ignore all the rules. His green cross code may have been made in Japan and be a series of badly translated haikus. Whatever the reason, this guy is a traveling menace.
He will always be in the wrong lane – roundabouts, intersections, slip roads – wrong lane every time, causing him to swerve across traffic. He never indicates. He ignores road signs and diversions and speed limits just do not exist, he gets waaaay too close to other cars and never brakes unless he slams his feet to the floor.
Natural selection dictates that these people should be rare. Unfortunately, this is clearly the exception that proves the rule.
Timmy the Troubled Teen with low Self-esteem
Despite the name, Timmies can be any age. Timmy has many things in common with Mr. Floppy in that he has something to prove. But while Mr. Floppy needs to prove his manly virility and potence to the world, Timmy merely wants everyone to look at him in a Bart Simpson kind of way. He will drive a car in a bright garish colour, quite possibly with silly add-ons like devil horns, racing stripes or spoilers so big it looks like you can land a helicopter on them. He may collect a small herd of nodding animals for his back parcel shelf or plaster so much of his car with bumper stickers that you cannot even see the colour of the car. He may have a musical horn. He may have a convertible or all the windows down and his radio playing so loudly your ear wax melts. He may drive in a reckless manner or in a way that will make his car rev noisily.
However it’s done, Timmy needs people to LOOK AT HIM!!! The problem with this is that everyone else on the road has much better things to look at than Timmy – like the grand Prix Granny who just pulled out in front of them.
no subject
Sometimes I'm mildly Timmy because I play my music loud and occasionally I'll have the windows down (if my car windows refuse to defog within 10 minutes). So there have been mornings where I've driven to work at 2am (baker, y0) with Rammstein blasting out into the air :-P I also have a Gir and a Trogdor the Burninator sticker on the back window of my car and yesterday I saw the punk guy in the car behind me pointing at the Trogdor one and exclaiming in excitement. w00t!
no subject
heee, punks of the world unite!
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I'm more of a goth than a punk ;-)
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Timmy also has a tricked out license plate. It's canted slightly to the left, surrounded by neon lights. This is the target to aim for when sniping.
no subject
"He cut me up! GUNNER!"
"Aye, aye sir!"